Read at Will... and nothing more.

This pertains to my past relationship... (unedited)

I know this is a website... for heaven sakes, I so know. However I have been sitting here trying to gather my thoughts, they are in so many different directions...

My intentions today are to complete my resume... go to a few schools to observe, particularly a couple of Montessori Schools I have been informed and highly suggested.

Yet, I can't seem to focus... at least not on the task at hand.

So... I gather my information, I was searching for one of my Certificates from my Nursing Assistance degree... which lead to many other moments, particularly pictures, papers... ~Sigh.

So here it is... I simply need to vent, to the whole damn world I suppose... what larger media is there.

I was in a 13 year relationship (married for nearly 6 years)... long story... all was positive, no regrets... yet today it is really hitting my emotion hard.

We were best friends... yet there was no intimate attraction for me... (I know, you may be asking... "Then why the hell did you get married!?) I will tell you...

For many years of my life I have struggled with anger... yes, it is true. Coming from a mother who was into drugs, men... and poor life choices. When my sisters and I were at our beginning years of life... our mother would leave us locked up for days, leaving us with no supervision except for my sisters care. My sisters were only four and seven at the time, me being at the age of not even one. This all might sound sad... yet I feel so fortunate in life today... I sincerely do. Yet the years of growing up... were so uncertain, there were no answers to why we were taken away from our biological mother... everyone had their version of story to tell. I was such a pistol in attitude... told people exactly what I thought of them... from a very young age... I was fearless in a sense of any kind of authority. In saying, I am sure that is where all my "freespirited" ways evolved from... there are reasons for why we are who we are today, that is why I find a sense of compassion for many unexplained behavior, nonetheless... it can be trying at times.

So why did I get married? Well... he provided an environment that allowed me to become the person I strongly strived to be. Through hard work... determination, I vowed to myself to live a different life than most of my family... they still live in the direct world of violence, right in the center of it all. I chose to step out of it's boundaries... and live as a Merchant of Hope. So while in my 13 years of marriage I grew solid... sure it took years of division... although I am here. Yet through the years... I knew my reason for being in a marriage to a beautiful soul... were not fair (yes, he knew from day one my reasons). I felt back then love or intimate attraction could evolve through time... so I worked through it all for years. Several times I tried to walk away from the relationship... the first time right before we were actually married. I remembering praying for answers... "Is this the right thing to do, please give me a sign...", I received one I strongly believe. (Another story or moment) Then after we were married four years... I again said, "Our purpose has been served, I can't live under these circumstances"... yes I dearly valued the time, all of it... yet I had to live in peace, I felt I was loosing myself and all the hard work I put into my life. So... again I prepared to value all that had been and walk away, then my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I asked the higher sense of power... "Why?", I suppose this journey is not yet to end. I stayed another four years.

So... now I have been on my own, finishing school, soon to find a teaching position, possibly a new sense of love (the kind that my heart and all emotion feels). Yes, I am on peaceful terms with all in my life, yet I am ready for so much more, really ready to give all that I have.

So why are my emotions to heavy? Well I have yet to finalize my divorce, we have lived completely seperate lives for nearly two years. I pass the pile of papers day after day... knowing I need to sit down and begin the process... yet it is something I push way back to the least important things to do, it can wait.

~Sigh...

I know it's time.



I am not sure if I strongly support marriage again... as of now... it's the last thing I think about.

Whether to sign a piece of paper again is relevent or not... time will only tell.



There is no specific reason for me sharing all this... except to release some tension off my chest, perhaps a sense of closure for me... (we all do it differently).

~Remember, live with no regrets... know that we are the ultimate life guide to our own journey here on earth. Find that sense of peace and forgiveness where needed... and know you lived life with a sense of purpose. I know that is the life I am living... whatever comes my way.

~Beautiful day to you all.

I hope getting it off your chest helped.

FunkMistress said:

co-sign

Sounds like my first marriage. Thanks for sharing.

You know... it has... now to that damn resume I need to complete. So many distractions...



~My stomach still feels queasy... that or I am hungry? I must get busy. You guys and gals are Awesome.

Fareekin Org, I tell you.

Do not fret Freespirit... I am a firm believer in destiny and that everything happens for a reason.

My story has some vague similarities in domestic violence with my father and feelings of abandonment. My mother though, even to this day has always been a very selfless doting parent and caregiver. I felt sick to my stomach for you and for your sisters in being left to fend for yourselves... I actually feel kind of angry right now....

I am 34 now, and have been a parent for almost 9 years. In my marriage, I believe my wife was very much in the same line as you..... it has taken me 13 years to get her to show affection to me... that's a very long road I'm here to tell you. She does take her babysteps though.


[This message was edited Tue Jul 20 10:28:20 2004 by kendogg]

freespirit.. I aint got nothing but love for you

A new sense of love...can feel wonderful.

Good luck with everything you desire, Julie...

You're so beautiful. I'm glad that you're my friend. You've been a great
inspiration in such a short amount of time.

Wow Julie. I think it's excellent that you faced, and continue to face your feelings with honesty. Many people marry for the exact reason you cited. And it's not wrong to acknowledge if/when it's not working.

Love ya

Now, now... don't get me all emotional kendogg... I was feeling particularly strong again.

Our beginning was a bit rough... yet there are so many in this world with far more dreadful experiences.

Even though I have memories of abuse while living with our mother and various men... that has aided in my present strength. I come off as positive, sweet... yet there is a side to me that cannot be messed with (as with most people). I feel the most important thing in life is... tend to self, find the good in the bad (it's there). Constantly grow in everyday life steps.

I have been so fortunate to have so many beautiful people in my life... even if it meant to seperate yourself from negative influence. Intil you find the strength needed to face "truth" one must do what is needed to be resilient.

Emotional memories are difficult to overcome... although talking about it, sharing it... has always elevated me in life.

I feel counseling in the near future is going to be a profession of mine. I strongly feel I am going to do my Master Degree in some sort of Couseling field.

~Smile I do it everyday... whether in Education (previously teaching Montessori for 9 years) and now in the hopsital working with various patients including terminal cancer patients. My goodness... do I have a load of emotion that consumes me.

Anyways, thank you for sharing... and it's beautiful you are so understanding toward your wife, I can only imagine how much patience must be involved for you both. Beautiful wishes to you.

I must, must get busy...

Thank you truly.

you've touched my heart.....

and if you decide to get married again make sure your husband doesnt wear tails....


NO TAILS!!!

sosgemini said:

Hey now... I can't speak for Julie's ex, but I think I look damn good in tails.....

You made a beautiful bride. You are a beautiful person at a crossroad in your life. This is a learning experience that has something important in it for you right now. Make a decision with no regrets and move on like the wonderful soul you are. The magic will come back to you and you will be laughing at this very situation. I wish you the best and expect nothin less from you. Keep on being a freespirit. The world needs so many more like you.

.
[This message was edited Tue Jul 20 10:57:41 2004 by CHEECHWIZARD]

--- well spoken and put !

I have 2 female friends right now who is goin thru a similar thing (divorce papers are in front of them ... but ..... )

it is a deeply personal thing ... for alot of people ....

keep your head up (sounds like u always will !) --- u have weathered alot ... good luck !

(and by the way - its already been said better probably --- but those wedding pics --- u were a beautiful bride --- dayum ! - cutest bride i have seen in years ! )

You know Julie, I always feel the need to be honest about my tragedies as well. It helps me to deal with it and I think it also helps others who might be able to relate.

Julie,
It all kind of comes together when you consider you are working on this resume. It is a document that shows your history of experience, and at the same time you have some experiences that you need to find closure in, to complete~at least a stage of it anyway.
Just my two cents about it~memories and such always surface at times that seem strange to us at the moment, but make much more sense later on. Seems you need to shut some doors completely, so that your life resume can continue to build. Thanks for showing us a bit more of you. Your truths are honored, may you find strength in knowing that.

Blues

well this is really wierd because i've asked the powers that be to help me through the first uncertain stages of a marriage of 9 yrs hanging by a thread we've agreed to seperate and are looking into selling our lovely house that we've sacraficed a lot for and worked our asses off to keep.part of me is saying this is the right thing to do but theres a niggling voice in my head saying hang on a minute.reading this thread is helping a lot right now and i have to admit i never really have much input in these threads and don't take the time to get to know anyone here.

Wow, Freespirit...I don't know you, nor have I ever been married, but I do pray for you as you WILL get through this.

Hang in there Julie You're a beautiful soul but life has his strange ways of teaching us the things we have to learn in this life.

You're a strong woman and you know that you're gonna be fine

So we're here for you girl if you wanna talk

's and 's to you all.

If anyone wants to get together for a , give me a call.

~Smile...

Silly Orglife we all have. It does have it's beautiful moments I must say.

Freespirit said:

CHEERS!!!!

Let's get that beer!

p.s. What are you doing for Labor Day weekend?

Marriage is really startin'2 make my head hurt What is it? It's enough 2 make u wanna smoke crack!! Not really though, n the words of our man,"Forever is a mighty long time".....

Good Luck in all you do Julie. I'm sure the universe will guide you to where you need to be.